So, I'm surviving swine flu so far. And I *think* the family is starting to regain some health.

Gail, I know you're the only one actually reading this so I'm going to go ahead and use this forum to let you know how excited Sam is about Florida this year. He's obviously thinking about it a lot because he frequently says, out of the blue, things like, "when we go to Florida I can wear shorts and Croc's with holes again." and "Do you think Gail is making me a scarf this year?" and "I'm going to have my birthday in Florida!"

I'm not so psyched about getting there. Why is Florida so very far away?

It's like talking to yourself, but less informative and more frustrating.

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex, your continental.com Virtual Expert. Let me know how I can help you by typing in your question below.

You Asked: Hi, we plan on flying with our two kids down to florida. One of them will be a few days under two, but we plan on flying him as a lap child. He's a big kid, so I'm assuming we'll need some kind of proof that he's under two? What would suffice?
Alex: Children over the age of two must have a ticket and occupy their own seat. When booking your flights, be sure to select the correct number of children for each age available on the corresponding reservations page. If you're interested in tickets for infants, lap infants or children traveling alone, please see the links below. View Page
Here's More:
Booking Flights for Unaccompanied Minors
Booking Flights for Infants
Booking Flights for Lap Infants


You Asked: Wow. That doesn't answer my question at all. Are you a real person? Did you even read my question?
Alex: I'm a Virtual Expert for Continental. I'm here to help you find your way around continental.com.

You Asked: So, I guess I'll ask again, We plan on flying with our two kids down to florida. One of them will be a few days under two. He's a big kid, so I'm assuming we'll need some kind of proof of age?
Alex: Children over the age of two must have a ticket and occupy their own seat. When booking your flights, be sure to select the correct number of children for each age available on the corresponding reservations page. If you're interested in tickets for infants, lap infants or children traveling alone, please see the links below. View Page
Here's More:
Booking Flights for Unaccompanied Minors
Booking Flights for Infants
Booking Flights for Lap Infants

You Asked: Proof of age for children under two?
Alex: We want to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible when traveling with your children. On this page, you will find information about traveling with children under the age of two. View Page
Here's More:
Booking Flights for Infants
Booking Flights for Lap Infants
Traveling with Children

You Asked: The pages you keep giving me do not have the info I need!
Alex: I am not positive that I understand what you are asking, please try rewording your question.

You Asked: That link is NOT USEFUL. I'm asking if you need PROOF OF AGE for an infant under two flying as a LAP CHILD.
Alex: We want to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible when traveling with your children. On this page, you will find information about traveling with children under the age of two. View Page
Here's More:
Booking Flights for Infants
Booking Flights for Lap Infants
Traveling with Children

You Asked: Can I talk to a human?
Alex: If you would like to contact us, visit this page.

HAHA! Guess what? That page took me back to the "Ask Alex" homepage!

I'm like superwoman

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but somewhere along the way Sam decided that when my hair is down I'm Mommy, but when my hair is up in a rubber band, I'm Beth. I keep my hair relatively short, so I don't put it up that often. When it does happen to grow out a bit and I do put it up, Sam always looks at me happily and says, "Oh! You're Beth again!" I don't know if Beth is better than Mommy or what, but right now I just think it's funny.

Also, Sam calls hairbands "ram-bands." Don't know why. I'm sure Chris will beat that out of him just like he does all Sam's other adorable mis-statements.

Today, when I was going crazy trying to find the car key that Chris had in his pocket at work, Sam was helping me look. He found a ram-band and asked if he could put it in my hair and make me be Beth.

I don't know what goes on inside the heads of my children, but it's funny sometimes.

Small accomplishments

I made the most perfect check mark the other day. I do a lot of assessments so I make a lot of check marks and my check marks, like my handwriting, are big and weird. But the forces of the cosmos came together and I made a check mark so beautiful it could be used as the font for check marks. This is the check mark against which all other check marks should be compared. I should take a picture and make it my new facebook profile picture. It was so pretty I got distracted from the task at hand. This was the first in a series of 70-odd check marks I have to make and I was trying really hard to duplicate my perfect check mark but, alas, that check mark stands alone in my history. Also, the kid was kind of dumb so instead of check marks I had to make a lot of x's. No perfect x's either.

I didn't really mean it for real

The day I wrote the post asking somebody to shoot me in the face, I saw this Oprah where this lady's husband did, in fact, shoot her in the face and I take it back. I don't think that improved her life at all. And then she had to have this face transplant and everybody was all excited about the first successful face transplant and I was watching and thinking that that technology has yet to be refined. I am a hideous puffy beast with beady eyes and bad skin, and yet I don't think the face transplant industry has anything better to offer. Maybe someday. And then Angelina Jolie will die and I will get her face. Because I think that Angelina is an organ donation kind of girl, don't you? That would be pretty sweet to have Angelina Jolie's corneas. Well, I guess if you needed new corneas, anybody's corneas would be sweet.

Visited a new doctor this week. She prescribed me some medications to take to help the nausea and that is making my life significantly more bearable. Fortunately that happened the day after my parents took all my laundry to their house to clean and fold it. I'm sorry they had to rent a truck, but I'm grateful. Of course, now that they have my dirty laundry and have not yet returned the clean laundry I'm dressing for work in things from the very back of my closet. Tomorrow I'm going to break out my wedding dress.

So I'm feeling better, and that's good. And I'm getting all my laundry cleaned for me, and that's good. Things are looking up around here!

There have been some rumblings recently. That maybe this blog has become a little pathetic . . . “whiny,” even.

There seems to be some suggestion that maybe this used to be about the kids, and world events, and now it’s all Me, Me, Me.

“I’M dying.”

“Call ME an ambulance.”

“Could somebody please shoot ME in the face?”

I’m sure you are all thinking, boy, she used to be funnier before she got pregnant.

Well you know what?

You were funnier before I got pregnant, too.

You are letting me down, peeps.

Doing the morning thing this morning. Sam climbs up next to me on the couch. A few minutes later, he turns to me and, with an expression of mild disgust, says, "I don't know what you smell like."

And then, just in case I was confused and thought maybe he didn't know which flower I smelled like, he said, "But you smell stinky."

People. You cannot rely on my three-year-old to save me from myself. You are all adults. If I am stinky, you need to tell me. Because while, so far, I've been able to shower everyday, I will admit that many of my clothes are being "recycled." From the floor.

I'm struggling, folks. You all know that. But my efforts to accomplish the bare minimum in maintaining functionality have apparently failed, and nobody is telling me that I shouldn't wear Chris's clothes to work except my son. And that's a joke, because Chris doesn't have any clean clothes, either.

To be honest, I really don't want to hear it. But if Sam thinks I need an intervention, maybe you shouldn't leave him on his own to organize it, because then he will get balloons and pupcakes and sing happy birthday and I will MISS THE POINT. The thing is, unfortunately, I still have to go to work everyday, and interact with society and stuff like that. So while it is unnecessary for you to supply the word "beast?" when I get distracted while saying "I am a hideous puffy . . ." (thanks, Chris), you can feel free to point out when I have crossed the line in letting grooming slide.