Oh my gosh.

I don't think I've been this mad at a kid in YEARS.

At least WEEKS.

I'd had forgotten how hard two-year-olds can be.

Thinking they know some shit.  Thinking that they run this joint or something.

YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, LILLY.  I will tell YOU when it is bedtime.  I will NOT tell you another story because I've told you one hundred and one eighty one ALREADY (still Owen's favorite number) and I've already used up all my imagination.

She started school this week.  She's not being a trooper.  She's upset and hysterical and clingy and aggressive every minute she's not behaving like an angel at school.

It's so hard being two.

Smart phones make stupid people

Smart phones are great, and awesome, and let me be on Facebook all the time, even though I only really have 6 Facebook friends, and one of them is George Takei.

But I drove the whole first day to Florida.  The Whole. First. Day.  That's 12 hours of driving.  I'm not sure that's even been attempted in human history, let alone achieved.  I think they had a parade for me somewhere outside of Charlotte - nothing big, just a marching band and some confetti - but Chris wouldn't know that because he was on his iPhone for the last 4 hours of the day.

Sure, he was ostensibly "finding the hotel" and "checking traffic" and "figuring out dinner," but in the old days (2011), we just kind of figured it out and chatted. Or bickered.  Whatever.  This year, I had to imagine all the snarky things I WASN'T going to say to Chris about being on his smart phone.  I think one may have burst out anyway.  I can't remember.

And plus, I couldn't check Facebook for HOURS.

Hurricane Sandy Devastation

Hurricane Sandy caused a fair amount of damage at our house, but the thing that pisses me off the most, bar none, is that it knocked the lid off the sandbox and now the sand that we worked REALLY EFFING HARD to keep clean and dry is water-logged.

You may have lost your house and car, but MY SANDBOX.

The sand is ruined, and I don't know what to do about a stupid moldy heavy-ass lump of sand.  As evidenced by the previous watery, moldy, sandbox that is still sitting RIGHT NEXT to the new sandbox.  Soon we're just going to have a line of toxic sandboxes across the backyard.

There is no sandbox insurance.

Angry Moms

So I'm being vegan right now, which basically means that I alternate between feeling super hip and like I want to kill you and make you into a hamburger and eat you.  With bacon.

That said, I may be been the teensiest bit grumpy while picking this kids up this evening.  I got Owen first, and on his own, he's pretty chill.  I mean, sometimes he'll get me with his, "Today is the first day of yesterday when it rains, right?  Right, mom?  And it's going to be Christmas next year because of my birthday and you said Lilly was a toddler now, right?  Right, mom?

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION.  But, yes, right, just shut up or ask logical questions.

And then I picked up Sam and he introduces a level of hysteria that seems unnecessary in a sedan.

But you don't have a complete trifecta until you've added Lilly and her ear-splitting shrieks.

Sam and Owen are SO EXCITED.  I don't know about what.

"Guys?  Can you please stop shouting?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

(That's them, having devolved into purposeless screaming)

"GUYS!  Quiet down!  You're making me a little crazy!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH  SHE'S CRAZY!"

"SERIOUSLY STOP SCREAMING SO LOUD!"  Even while I'm doing it, the irony of screaming at people to stop screaming is not lost on me.

And then they LAUGH at me.

As much as I WANT to punch them, I can't while I'm driving.

"Guys, do NOT laugh at me when I am being serious.  It makes me furious."

"It makes you serious?" Owen asks.

"No, she said 'furious,' Sam leans over and whispers, "It's the last level of anger." 

I also just told Chris that the President's name is not Bronco Bama.

Chris and I were talking in the car today.  He is worried that Obama isn't going to win the election.

"It just that there was so much excitement four years ago," he says.  "He was such a great speaker, you know?"

"Yeah, it does feel like there hasn't been as many spine-tingling speeches this time around," I agree.

"Do you remember that speech where he was all, 'Can we do it?!  Yes we CAN!"

Um.

Actually, I think that was Bob the Builder that said that.

But I get your point.

If you know Lilly . . .

I was putting Lilly to bed last night.  Having a little chat.  I asked about her day.

"Did you have a good day, Lilly?"

"Yes.  No.  Someone was MEAN to me."

"Oh, no!  Who was mean to you?"

"AMANDA was mean to me."

"Amanda?  What happened?'

At this point Lilly gets really riled up, sits up and starts gesticulating wildly, "Her said I wasn't the BOSS!"

And then she called her a jerk.

I didn't even know she knew that word.

This girl.  Really.  She is not docile.

Just, no.

I'm not going to tell the story about the tree falling on the van because, 1) it's not over, and 2) it's not even a good story anymore.  It's just a long and convoluted tale of bad things happening and us not understand what the sam hill is going on.

Nobody cares about it anymore, and I know that because I don't even care about it anymore.

We did lose power today for a few hours and I finally got to join in with the rest of country.

I'd been feeling a little left out.

It's weird when the power is house.  I was very conscious of the fact that the power was out and I kept telling myself, "Nothing is going to work."  But that's not true, because some things DO still work.  The problem is remembering which is which.

Things that work when the power is out:
1) toothbrush
2) Kindle
3) deodorant
4) cell phone
5) hot water

Things that do NOT work when the power is out:
1) The lights
2) hairdryer
3) The light switch
4) the lights
5) even when you use the light switch