House of Lies

I'm going to tell you a story now, and I want you to know that I have never been completely honest about this event before.  I never wanted Chris to know the truth. 

But he doesn't read this blog so we're still cool if you don't tell him.

Chris and I were walking down Cedar with the kids - on the part of the road that doesn't have a tree lawn between the sidewalk and the road.  It makes me nervous to walk on this part of the road with the kids because they become like Orcas without an electric fence - flopping about wildly with no boundaries.  It's all concrete so same-same, right? 

So I was already on a slightly elevated alert state when Chris, right next to me, suddenly screams.  An unhuman bellow clearly indicating the apocalypse.  I had a fear-induced heart attack and died. 

"WHAT?!  WHAT?!"

"Your hiccups," he responds, "I was scaring you out of your hiccups."

Yes, it is true that I had been suffering from a raging case of hiccups for the past many minutes.  But everyone knows that scaring a person to get rid of hiccups is sheer ridiculousness. That's not even a thing. I was full of adrenaline, and the rage you feel when you are about to have to fight for your life in the apocalypse.  WHY WOULD HE DO THAT TO ME FOR NO REASON.

Then I realized that, indeed, he had scared the hiccups out of me.  When I had died of my aforementioned heart attack, they had instantly disappeared.  Completely gone.   

That said, Chris had SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.  This was not a deal I was willing to make. Hiccups were better than losing years of my life to fear. 

"Did it work?" Chris asked.

I had a decision to make.  Admit he had succeeded, and know that Chris was going to scream at me for the rest of my life, or lie to my life partner. 

"No. Of course it didn't. That's dumb. Why would you even think that would work?"

And then I fake hiccuped for a few more minutes and pretended to cure myself by holding my breath.