Tuesday, May 5, 2009

You know what I don't get?

There are many things in life that are a mystery to me. Like, for instance, how children have any business waking up grumpy. Sam woke up grumpy this morning. I don't get that. Nobody woke him up. Nobody walked into his room whining about, "I want to watch TV," or "I want to eat a banana," or "I want to wear my Crocs today. No, my DARK blue Crocs!" My best guess is that we have 9 pairs of crocs between the boys and I'm starting to feel like that might be too many. Anyway, if he's grumpy, why can't he just roll over and go back to sleep? And what the heck does he have to be grumpy about, anyway? We are going to find his clothes and put them on him, make him breakfast, and drive him to a place where he plays all day. That would be a great morning for me. "Choose me some clothes and bring me a pastry! Turn the TV to House Hunters! When it is time to go you may drive me to the outlet mall!"

Another thing I don't get are insects. Theoretically, the world is very big to them, right? Relatively speaking? So why are they always all up in my grill? Yesterday, I was just standing there, talking to a coworker, enjoying the sunshine and, BAM, a bug flew straight into my cheek. Dude, I am, like, a million times as big as you. That is like driving straight into a mountain. What, did you not SEE me? Was I actually too big to be visible to your multi-faceted eyeballs? GO AROUND. And then today we were having a lovely time outside on my deck and people started shooting me weird glances and I didn't get why until my adoring husband told me, "man, either you have a really big zit or a mosquito just got you right under you nose." The thing about me is that I have plenty of surface area. Succulent biceps, juicy calves, flowing belly. Why did it have to bite me right on my face? And under my nose, no less. Like it was mocking me. And that's just not nice. Was I mocking the cow I was eating? And how many times have you been sitting in the living room, minding your own business, only to have a fly repeatedly buzz your head. As if your head is creating a gravitational pull that it is powerless against. I don't want to have to kill you (really, I'm lazy and that seems like a lot of work), but I will if you don't BACK OFF.

So I don't get bugs. Or cranky children.

This is lovely. It's like I'm TALKING to the computer. As if there were people sitting here, listening. But quietly.

You guys are such good listeners.

I got this in my email

My husband needs most of these.

Summer Classes for Men



Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping CompanionRelaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Say something funny

My eldest child has, at 3 years old, recently discovered the joys of making people laugh. He's been practicing his routine, which so far consists of hitting himself in the head with some object, falling down on purpose, or singing, "A, B, C, D, E, F, BOOTY!"

And I'll admit it; he actually does get a laugh a surprising percentage of the time. Though he's usually performing for his 1 year old brother or his father, who has never not laughed at the word "booty." If he does happen to come up against a particularly tough customer, who fails to respond with the appropriate giggles, he does not hesitate to command, in an emphatic, if slightly hurt tone, "Laugh!"

In college my philosophy with assignments that were overwhelming was, "If you can't do it well, just do it." Seriously, I always kind of figured that turning in something in English had to be worth at least 50%. Unless it was Spanish class. Which I got a D in. Anyway, my sister's boyfriend helped set me up with this blog site, like, two months ago, and it's just been sitting here, empty, and I have been paralyzed in the face of all that expectation. So I thought I'd take the same approach and just do it. I'm going to start by sharing a few stories of my life.