Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A midnight meeting

I'm asleep, but I feel Chris push me a little bit and say, "Are you going to sleep all day?"

This is bullshit, because it is 3:55 in the morning.  So I ignore him.

But he pushes me again and repeats, louder, "Are you going to sleep all day?"

Look buddy.  A) Middle of night.  B) One of us is sleeping here, and it ain't me.

So I say, "WHAT are you TALKING about?"

And he chuckles, condescendingly, and mumbles something about how I'm deflecting.

The condescending chuckle is a favorite weapon in Chris's argument arsenal.  It is a virtually foolproof way to take a discussion from Level: irritation to Level: rage.  The accusation of deflection is also an excellent tactic, because he is rubber and I am glue.

But seeing as how we are not having a discussion here, I let it go.

I try to steal his covers as retribution for leaving me awake and unfairly maligned at 4:00 in the morning, but the man has them wrapped up so tightly I'm not sure how HE will ever get them off.

In conclusion
Chris's weaknesses include: sleeping like a normal person
Chris's strengths include: a very condescending chuckle and blanket theft prevention.

Cayden's school is so cool

Every morning while I'm driving Lilly to school, she asks me, "are we going to pass Cayden's school?"

And every morning, I say, "yes."

And then she says, "will it be on this side or that side?"

And I say, "I can't see where you are pointing because I am driving."

When we get to Cayden's school we shout, excitedly, "CAYDEN'S SCHOOL!"

I am using the royal we there.  Except in the way where I mean, I don't shout at all.

Some days, we get distracted.  Lilly could tell you about those days.  "Mom, do you remember that day we got distracted by a bird and forgot to see Cayden's school?"

I do not.  You clearly do.

So I have learned to point out Cayden's school if it looks like she is going to miss it, because I will pay for it later if I don't.

She asked me this week if Dad could drive her to school some day.

Fine by me, I said.

"I like it when Dad drives me to school because he NEVER forgets to see Cayden's school."


Wednesday, January 14, 2015


I took Sam to the PTA meeting tonight.

They were raffling off bikes, and when the kids who won were collected, a door in the lunch room was opened.

"Mom?" Sam says, "I've never seen that door opened before.  I didn't know they kept all that stuff in there!"

"Well now you know all about the secret room, Sam."

"There are lots of secret rooms around here.  The most surprising one to me was the Teacher's Lounge.  I walked past once when it was opened and they have a vending machine and a couch!"

He leans in toward me at this point, and lowers his voice.  "Mom?  I honestly don't think that there is any teaching at all going on in there."

Sunday, January 11, 2015


This Christmas, Chris and I broke our long standing resolution and bought the kids some Nerf guns.

We had rules.  They stay on the third floor.  No face shots.  Don't shoot anyone until they have consented to be involved in the Nerfing.

And it hasn't been too problematic, really.  Lilly doesn't like it, so she's off limits for shooting, and has a new role as the "bullet getter."  (Sidenote:  If Lilly likes you she will give you extra bullets.  So be nice to Lilly).

But yesterday . . .


I look up and there is a gun pointed at me.


"Please don't shoot at me."

"I'm not shooting at you.  I'm just practicing."


"Okay, but, that one came really close to my head."

"No, I'm just seeing how accurate it is."


"STOP POINTING THAT GUN IN MY DIRECTION.  Seriously.  I am being very clear right now.  Pick up all these bullets that are all over the floor, and take the guns back to the third floor.  They aren't supposed to be down here anyway."

Some time passes.

Pssswht.  With this one, I'm lucky I'm not blind.


"sorry sorry sorry"


"Sorry I forgot sorry."

"I honestly don't understand what is wrong with you.  Seriously.  That isn't funny and it's completely inappropriate and very disrespectful."

Obviously, I was having this entire conversation with Chris.  

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


We recently go back from Florida.  It was a great vacation.  Sun, and sand, and beach, and hardly any group illness.

But Florida is a long way away.  Chris did almost all of the driving, barring my one ill-advised turn at the wheel marked primarily by my irrational fury regarding Chris's inability to read a map.  

Anyway! I had the opportunity to observe Chris's driving habits a lot on this trip.  You know, his preferences, predilections and proclivities.  And I know now that Chris has one thing he would like to say to the drivers of the world:  


I know that because he actually said it.  To all the drivers.  Each and every one of them.  

All of you.  Get over.  Now.  Move.  Go.  Git.  

If you can't go faster than the cars in the right lane, then get in the right lane.  

If you can't move fast, period, get over.  

In fact . . . you know what?  Just get in the right lane.  You can't handle the left lane.  

There is one guy who can handle the left lane, and he has two thumbs and is named Chris H.  But not all you other Chris H's.  Just this one.  Chris H.with an Agesfeld can coast from Florida, through Georgia, both Carolinas, all the Virginias, and straight up through Ohio, in the left lane and the rest of you can kiss his sweet ass, right before you get over into the right lane, where you belong.


The other day, my niece was over at our house, playing with Lilly.  Lilly did NOT want her to go.

"Why are you packing your stuff?" she says.  "Just keep playing."

"Lilly, I have to go.  If I don't go home without complaining, I won't be allowed to come back."


I didn't know they actually BELIEVED it when we said shit like that!  I say that all the time!  Sometimes I actually think I mean it.  But, really, what are we going to do?  Disown that part of the family?  Of course they are going to be allowed to visit their cousins.  Actually, on a semi-regular basis they will HAVE to visit their cousins.

I enjoyed it immensely.  Such trusting little buggers.

Christmas spirit

A few weeks ago I had to go to the Apple store to get my cell phone battery replace.

It was ridiculous.  So many people in the store.  I couldn't figure it out, until I realized it was the Saturday before Christmas.  It's weird when you are out of sync with the rest of the world, but doing the same thing.  Like when I went shopping on Thanksgiving, but just because the kids were in bed and I wanted to go shopping, not because I wanted to tackle someone to the ground for a toaster.

So the battery replacement process took 45 minutes, during which time I wandered around the shopping center.  There was Christmas music playing, I bought myself a coffee.  Browsed books.  Bought some cheese.  It was lovely.  So much festive hustle and bustle.

"I should do this more often," I thought to myself.  "I need to stop shopping on-line so much. I'm missing out on the spirit of Christmas because I'm not out here, living life!"

And then a lady walked by with a sobbing three-year-old attached to her leg, and CARRYING a flailing five-year-old.

I realized, then, that I wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit.  I was feeling what it was like to spend an hour out alone.