Saturday, March 18, 2017

Drowned toddlers are sooo annoying

We went to an indoor water park this week.  It was equal parts awful and great, so pretty much a typical family vacation.

This is our first significant family experience with a water park, so we learned some new things.

1) Owen seems to be a little allergic to chlorine, based on his coughing fits, rash, and vomiting.  So an indoor water park is great for a family vacation destination.

2) I do not have tough feet.  Next time, I am going dressed in my Slenderizing For Mature Women bathing suit and some water shoes.  I'll definitely have to wear my wedding ring to show that I am already taken, gentlemen.

3) Lilly has a hard head both literally and figuratively.  Don't try to convince her she wants to go on the water slide when she wants to ride in the lazy river.  She knows what she wants.  She wants to ride in the lazy river.  Come, don't come, she doesn't care.  She'll be in the lazy river.  Again.  Also, don't sit next to her in the family tube ride because she'll crack your skull open and days later your brains will still be leaking out.

4) We going to need to adopt another kid or make sure my dad comes along next time because nobody wants to be the single rider.  It is sad and lonely and a tiny bit embarrassing if you are a grown ass adult in a Slenderizing for Mature Women bathing suit headed down the water roller coaster tube ride.

Here's one other story from our trip:

It was the first day, and we were climbing down into the lazy river (see point three above).   I was behind Chris still looking for an available tube.  Chris is in the water and I see him stumble a little bit.  He looks down and shakes his head a little.  Then he hands Lilly her tube and she heads off and then Chris reaches into the water and pulls out the lifeless body of a toddler.

He's standing there, dangling the limp and colorless body in his right hand and gestures to the lifeguard with his left hand, all like, "jeez, here, do you want to do something about this?"  The life guard blows his whistle and jumps in.

At this point my mind is like this:

"AAAAHHHHHHHH DEADBABYDEADBABYTHATBABYISDEAD AAAAAAHHHHHH WHOKNOWSCPR AAAAHHHHH (I'm going to have to talk to Chris about appropriate protocol when he finds a drowned toddler like seriously maybe just hold it instead of dangling it?) AAAHHHHHHH DEADBABY AHHHHH (Also, maybe he could, like, try wading to the side instead of just waiting for the lifeguard to come and get this kid?) AAAAAHHHHHHH (And also, fix your face, Chris.  He looks totally annoyed that he stubbed his toe on a body) AAAAAHHHH (also, that kid has really funny looking joints.  Like his knees are just creases)  Aaaaahhhhh?  (why is the lifeguard smiling?  Sure, he looks chagrined, like he's embarrassed that Chris found the dead baby, but he doesn't look horrified, which I feel like more people should be right now?)

Oh.  It's a training dummy.  Just a little toddler shaped doll designed to test the lifeguards.

Well that's fun.

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