Tuesday, May 5, 2009

You know what I don't get?

There are many things in life that are a mystery to me. Like, for instance, how children have any business waking up grumpy. Sam woke up grumpy this morning. I don't get that. Nobody woke him up. Nobody walked into his room whining about, "I want to watch TV," or "I want to eat a banana," or "I want to wear my Crocs today. No, my DARK blue Crocs!" My best guess is that we have 9 pairs of crocs between the boys and I'm starting to feel like that might be too many. Anyway, if he's grumpy, why can't he just roll over and go back to sleep? And what the heck does he have to be grumpy about, anyway? We are going to find his clothes and put them on him, make him breakfast, and drive him to a place where he plays all day. That would be a great morning for me. "Choose me some clothes and bring me a pastry! Turn the TV to House Hunters! When it is time to go you may drive me to the outlet mall!"

Another thing I don't get are insects. Theoretically, the world is very big to them, right? Relatively speaking? So why are they always all up in my grill? Yesterday, I was just standing there, talking to a coworker, enjoying the sunshine and, BAM, a bug flew straight into my cheek. Dude, I am, like, a million times as big as you. That is like driving straight into a mountain. What, did you not SEE me? Was I actually too big to be visible to your multi-faceted eyeballs? GO AROUND. And then today we were having a lovely time outside on my deck and people started shooting me weird glances and I didn't get why until my adoring husband told me, "man, either you have a really big zit or a mosquito just got you right under you nose." The thing about me is that I have plenty of surface area. Succulent biceps, juicy calves, flowing belly. Why did it have to bite me right on my face? And under my nose, no less. Like it was mocking me. And that's just not nice. Was I mocking the cow I was eating? And how many times have you been sitting in the living room, minding your own business, only to have a fly repeatedly buzz your head. As if your head is creating a gravitational pull that it is powerless against. I don't want to have to kill you (really, I'm lazy and that seems like a lot of work), but I will if you don't BACK OFF.

So I don't get bugs. Or cranky children.

This is lovely. It's like I'm TALKING to the computer. As if there were people sitting here, listening. But quietly.

You guys are such good listeners.

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