Monday, July 27, 2015

Sleeping with Chris

This post is rated PG.

So I've been sharing a bed with Chris for a long time now. Chris's anniversary flower note said it was over 4000 nights and I'm just going to trust his math. 

It's taken me some time, but I'm now pretty much an expert in sleeping with Chris. I will share my knowledge with you just in case you ever end up sharing a room. 

He will wake you up with a tightly secure hug, whispering, "shhhhhhh.  It's okay.  It's okay. Shhhhhh."  You will blearily think, " I . . . had a nightmare? Thanks for helping out, buddy.  I'm so soothed I don't even remember having a scary dream."  Don't buy it. It's bullshit. You weren't having a nightmare.  You were just sleeping. 

He will get up on his hands and knees and try to push you out of the bed, claiming you are squashing a child. You are not squashing a child. There's only one person in this bed who would squash a child, asleep or awake, and it's not you.  Also, there is not even a child in the bed. Also, generally speaking, if he is up on all fours, no good will come of it. The second you sense him thrashing and heaving his way up, just accept the fact that you are about to deal with some absurd bullshit. 

He will steal all the covers. And then get hot and throw them on the ground. He will then wake you up and ask you where the blankets are.  

He will clomp his teeth together so loudly and with such vigor that you will fear breakage.  Don't be concerned.  He has Hippo teeth. 

He will absolutely leave you for dead when a child comes into the room. The child could be wailing, on her third trip in, and your best case scenario is he MIGHT clomp his teeth some.

When you are tired and trying to fall asleep, he will wait until you are thisclose to asleep and then tell you that if you give out your gmail address with an extra dot in it than you can easily filter for junk mail. He will repeat until ptsd sets in and your body says, "forget it, then. No sleep for you."  Then he will fall peacefully and cheerfully asleep. 

At this point I'm so good at sleeping with Chris that I could teach a four credit hour class in it. Unfortunately, it's just another skill I have that means nothing to anybody else. Still, he's not the worst roommate ever. He is warm, and he has no way of knowing if you are lying when you say it's his turn to get up. 

1 comment:

  1. Laughed so hard I nearly threw my back out again, thanks.