Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I'm a marshmallow in the face of authority.

That's my problem. I'm a rule follower. I do what I'm told.

So I'm 35 weeks now. Which means it's time to start the cervical exams. If you don't know what those are . . . you are lucky. Let's just say the experience is somewhere between unpleasant and excruciating.

I've been doing a lot of research, and as far as I can tell, there is no reason to even get a cervical exam. Gives us some information, but that information can mean . . . anything. What's the use of information like that? It's like being told that outside is not indoors, except to figure that out they have to kick you in the nuts. While it may be true, it's not particularly helpful, and certainly not worth aching balls.

So I practice ways to tell the doctor that I would like to decline the cervical exams. I RUMINATE about it. I ROLE-PLAY. And then I get there and completely cave. Cuse, see, the thing is, it's not like they ASK. They just ASSUME. And then DO.

But I live through it. Doctor says it's more difficult for me than some women because I have a very posterior cervix. (I don't know. Just go with me on this.) And then he says that he is going to give me a cervical exam at EVERY VISIT to help me GET USED TO THE PAIN.

If you are thinking, "oh, that makes sense, she does need to get used to the pain." KICK YOURSELF IN THE NUTS.

I'm no expert, but I don't think it's a good idea to get "used to pain." I'm working hard learning techniques to COPE with pain, but I have not taken to self-flagellation in the hopes that then contractions will be comfy. What? Like thanks to five extra cervical exams I'm going to sail through labor? That makes no sense.

But you know what I said, right?

"Oh, sure, if you think that's best."

But you better believe I'm ruminating.

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