No pressure

I’m trying to write a speech for my sister’s wedding.  It’s been slow going.  So I did what we all do in times of trouble these days: I turned to Google.

I certainly wasn't thinking of plagiarizing a speech whole-hog (yes I was), but I was a little dismayed at the quality of stuff out there.

The pre-written speeches I could have "recycled" were not of a quality that I thought worthy of thieving.

Also: advice columnists!  Seriously!  Could you possibly be any less helpful with your advice? 

I read one article titled something like, “How to write a funny speech for your sister’s wedding.”  And I’m thinking, “oh, that’s pretty relevant.” 

Here is a summary of the article:

A Maid of Honor’s speech is the most important thing at the wedding.  It is actually the most important thing in your life, and in the Bride’s life, ever.  It will be remembered forever.  If you give a good speech, it means you love your sister.  If your speech is shitty, it means you hate your sister.  A crap speech will probably cause a permanent rift in your family.  Here are some tips on how to write a great speech.

1)      Tell people who you are (that actually is a little helpful.  I probably would have forgotten that).

2)      Tell funny stories about when you were little.

3)      Add a hilarious anecdote about how the couple met.

4)      Throw in a few sassy quips to lighten the mood.

5)      Make use of one of your talents, such as singing, dancing, or poetry, by incorporating that talent in your speech.

Sooooooooo.  Basically, if I want to be funny, I should accomplish that by being funny, and then I should sing her a little song.  That I wrote myself.  

Actually, that probably would have been funny.

But not in a good way.