Chris and I were getting ready for bed last night when he said, "Oh, hey, guess what?! I farted today!"
Normally, that wouldn't be something we overtly discussed, but when you've experienced the kind of gastrointestinal stress we have lately, any farts that aren't sharts are cause for celebration.
"That's great news, Chris!"
"Yeah, I thought it was a sign I was better, but then I was in CVS and I started cramping."
"Uh oh. What did you do?"
"Well," Chris says, "at first I thought 'man, I've got to hurry up with my shopping' but pretty soon I was was thinking 'okay, I've got to hurry up and get out of here and find a bathroom,' and then a few minutes later I was contemplating, in a very real sense, what it would be like to shit myself in public as a grown man."
"That would be rough. You wouldn't go pants down in the bushes, if it came to it?"
"No, I decided I would get in the car, keep my pants on, just let it happen, and then drive home."
"It's not a bad plan, Chris, but where do you go from there? Do you take the rest of the day off?"
"No! I would change and go back to work! What am I going to do, sit around and feel sorry for myself?"
"I don't know. I just thought there might be some kind of 'hey, you just pooped your pants, maybe you shouldn't be at work' rule in play at that point."
"I don't think so. I do think I'd take a shower, though, otherwise I'd be really paranoid that people would somehow know."
"Oh like you wouldn't just tell them first thing anyway. It's not like they wouldn't notice you were gone for two hours with no explanation. They'd obviously ask what happened. And then you would giggle like an adolescent girl. Unless you tried to call on the way home with a cover story? The old, 'I just got detained by the police' story might be better for your image."
"I would just blame it on the kids. I can always make it the kids' fault somehow."
"Well, could you at least try to sit on a towel or something on the way home?"
"Don't have to! Leather seats in the van, remember?"
"An unexpected use for that particular selling feature!"
"This has been a really romantic talk."
"What can we do? We lead a spicy life, Chris."