Thursday, March 27, 2014

Good Morning

Chris wakes up first.  He is more of a morning person than I am, which basically makes him a better person.  
Our culture is generally disgusted by people who sleep in.  Think about it.  People that go to bed at 9 are weird and old, but people that sleep until noon are slugs who lay in their own slug-juice. 

Fortunately, I haven't had to worry about sleeping in for about 8 years now, so I am a perfectly respectable member of society.   

Anyway, Chris wakes up first.  He showers, gets dressed, swears at his phone, and then tromps downstairs to do whatever it is he does downstairs.  

Eventually, we peel the children out of bed.  

The harangue each other as they take turns using the bathroom, each of them refusing to use the downstairs bathroom, preferring, instead, to get increasing hysterical about how they HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Then they file into our bedroom and get into our bed, where they proceed to lay there like slugs in their own slug=juice.  

Owen and Lilly get into an argument about what TV show they will watch after school.  Owen wants to watch Jake and the Neverland Pitrates, but Lilly is resistant.  They watched that yesterday, she says.  He counters that they did not.  She posits that, yeah, they did.  

Owen is quite perturbed.  "LILLY.  How would you feel if you never got to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood?!?!"

I myself would feel pretty damn good because that is a creepy little show that is a disgrace to both the name and spirit of Mr. Rogers.

But Lilly would not feel good if she never got to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  She agrees that this is a good point and they should compromise.  

Or something like that.  

I stopped listening.

I tell Owen to go brush his teeth.  His little electric toothbrush is broken, he tells me.  That's okay, I say, go ahead and use it like a regular toothbrush.  He stand there with the toothbrush in his mouth, motionless, until I remind him that he is capable of manually brushing his teeth.  

I leave the bathroom to begin the morning process of stuffing Lilly into her tights.

"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssszzzzzzzz," I hear, from the bathroom.

I realize that Owen is imitating the sounds of his electric toothbrush.  


Owen gets himself dressed, as he does every day, like the kind, helpful, self-sufficient boy he is.  

"Owen, your pants are on backwards," I say, just like I said yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.

"Ok, mom!" He says.  "But that's okay, right?!"  He says, just like he said yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.  

"No, Owen, you have to switch them."

"Get your shoes on, everybody!  It's time to go!"

Three sets of eyes stare blankly at me.  Shoes?  What are those?  Where would they be?  How would they know?  They've never seen their shoes in their lives!

"Can I have a car snack?"

"Lilly.  You just ate breakfast.  And you are about to go eat second breakfast at school.  You really can't handle the seven minute drive without a snack?"


"Mom, is that a yes, or a no?"

Congratulations, you are now familiar with our morning routine.  You can take over at any time.  

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