I'm an important part of the process. Bitches.

I got called for jury duty this week. I had visions of sitting around for days, reading books and watching daytime TV. I even thought of taking up scrap-booking. That's how you know you're a mom. You are completely delusional about what can be accomplished in a block of time Away From the Kids. Take the kids away for an hour or two and I should be able to get through the back-log of laundry, clean the kitchen, sew up some new shower curtains, and create and store healthy pre-made meals for the week ahead. In my head a weekend away should be enough to figure out this whole life-on-other-planets business. After I've managed denuclearization. And after I've figured out whether that is actually a word.

So I admit that maybe my expectations for down-time were a little astronomically unrealistic. But I got called before I'd even cracked my first trashy tabloid (that I took out from the library so is actually not trashy anymore because things from the library aren't trashy). And ever since then it's actually been kind of work-y.

Guys, there's something I've been keeping from you.

I'm weird. I may call my babies crazy, but they didn't get it all from their father.

Now that I've actually been selected to sit on a jury, I've come up with numerous ways I can humiliate myself while also bringing the justice system to a screeching halt.

Number one - I have a blood/injury/injection type phobia. And this case . . . well, let's just say that there is blood and injury involved. The second I took the oath it occurred to me that in their attempt to prove their case, the prosecution might actually, like, describe it to me. How embarrassing is that going to be? I mean when I pass out looking at the pictures.

Number two - I suffer from vertigo. Doesn't usually affect my daily life, but what if I get an attack while listening to testimony? This especially concerns me because of the physical appearance of the courtroom. When they were interviewing me from the back of the room I didn't realize it, but as soon as I moved into the jury box I realized that, for whatever reason, the front half of the room is made up of vertical strips of wood, which in my peripheral vision really seems to set off my whole vertigo issue. So I'm trying to imagine how I'm going to explain to the judge about the vertical lines without sounding like a FUCKING LUNATIC.

Number three - the whole thing is stressing me out. How am I supposed to concentrate on testimony when I'm consumed with fear that I will inadvertently fart? The anxiety has caused my bowels to contract or something so I haven't pooped in days (yeah, I did just go there) and now I'm also worried about what I'll do if the urge suddenly strikes. We get these unpredictable breaks and I looked around during one of them and realized that I'm not the only one who seems to have frozen their face in an "I'm concerned" look. We will all need botox when this is over except for juror number 6 and he's pretty clearly not operating on the same plain of reality as the rest of us. We joke sometimes but then we fall into these morose silences. And that's good because every time I laugh I hope the defendant didn't hear me because whether he did it or not (and believe me when I say I'm close to panic about how I DON'T KNOW) this probably isn't funny to him.

But I'm doing my best. I keep feeling like it's some kind of movie and any second now something dramatic and exciting will happen. Mostly it's just listening and taking notes and trying not to fall over because of the vertical stripes. They made us watch a movie in the beginning - like jury training. And they kept telling us how important we are. And man am I a sucker because I'm falling for it. I've started to feel important.

Also herded like cattle because they make us go everywhere together. But still important.

Like Hindu cattle, maybe.