Friday, August 24, 2012

Every Parenting Magazine Ever

I get Parents Magazine and Parenting Magazine and Your Young Child Magazine and Working Mother Magazine - and I enjoy getting these magazines.

Maybe not as much as US weekly, but still good.

Every month I read these articles as if they are actually going to fix my life.  But they don't.

And here's what I'm finally noticing.

They are all the same 4 articles.  Over and over again.

1) How to Make a Fast/Cheap/Nutritious Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner.

This article will provide brilliant recipes for PBJ/PBJ/PBJ.  Cut your sandwiches with a cookie cutter!  

2) The Scary Thing That Could Kill/Maim/Irrevocably Harm Your Child.

This article will helpfully inform you about a new disease or potential injury that you hadn't known to uselessly worry about.  Seriously.  Last month it was Strep causing Bipolar disorder, this month it was a kid who strangled himself on his mom's purse straps.  THANKS!  I wasn't worried about my purse killing my child before.  Thank god you told me so I can remove all straps from my life.


Go to a spa!  Get a babysitter!  Loosen up!  Stop worrying so much!

4) But For God's Sake, be a Better Parent!

Never leave your child unattended!  You are definitely not buckling your kid in the car correctly!  Your life is too easy, you should be trying harder!  Babysitters are mostly serial killers!  You are doing it wrong!  


  1. A. Men. File with "Money Saving Articles." (Man I need to stop spending 10K a month on coffee.)

  2. TOTALLY. I'm always eager to read those, because, man, I'd like to save some money. And every time, it's the same thing. Oh. Maybe it IS time to give up my monthly manicure. WHICH DOESN'T EXIST.

  3. I just want to let you know I don't think I've sprayed/shot/squirted anything out of my nose in at least 10 years. Thank you for reminding me two things: 1. Just how funny you are and 2. Exactly how much it hurts but yet makes you laugh even harder when it happens... (the nose thing)

  4. Seriously...someone should be publishing these blogs. I am dying/crying laughing!