I took the children to the grocery store today.
And by that I mean I took the children to the grocery store and dropped them the hell off at the in-store daycare because they are horrible people and nobody wants to be around them unless they are being paid to and not always even then.
I tried to shop real slow-like because I knew I was having an irritable day and a break seemed like a good idea. But then I got hungry and started throwing unhealthy stuff in left and right and I knew it was time to go.
So I checked out and went to pick up the kids. As we were walking away, a lady stopped me and said, "Hey, I was watching my son in there and noticed your children. I just have to say, they are such well-behaved, polite children."
And I said, "Oh, haha. That's not how they act around me."
And she said, "But how do you make them act like that?"
"Oh, I don't. Really, they just do this for other people."
"No, seriously. I'm not joking. What do you do to make them behave so well?"
"Lady, I'M not joking. They're monsters. Complete crackheads. I appreciate that they act nicely around other people, but clearly I'm the weak link so don't ask me for advice."
She walked away, suspicious and hurt that I wouldn't share my parenting techniques with her. And I'm honestly not sure who the weird one was in that conversation.
So I think that went well.