Yesterday, Sam said to me, “If I could wink, I’d be winkin’ at everybody.”
Well, I just don’t think that’s true, Sam.
The truth is, I don’t believe Sam is a saucy and/or rakish winker by nature.
But I thought it was funny. Sam with this vision of himself held back from a life as a playboy because he can’t wink.
Except, I’m not exactly sure why he thought he’d be “winkin’ at everybody.” What message did he imagine he’d be conveying with his winkage?
I think this is a general problem with the act of winking. If you are a winker, at whom do you wink? And why?
Because, actually, people do wink at me on occasion and I always find it confusing.
“What just happened? Did I just agree to something?”
And that’s assuming that I’m even sure that person winked at me. Because most of the time, I find myself saying, “Hey, I think that person just winked at me.” I THINK. It could just be a twitch, you know. Or a bug flew in their eye.
By the way, I am aware that that "their" is grammatically incorrect. But I don't wish to gender stereotype winkers. (Also I don't like using his/her.) It's not always a, "Hey, baby." A lot of times it's a, "You and me, we're in on something!"
Except we're not. Because you're a winker and nobody understands you.
And then there is the aftermath.
What do you do now? Wink back? But then you're confused, too, probably, and nothing ever makes sense again.
In summation, stop winking. It makes people uncomfortable.
And Sam, learn to tie your shoes and then worry about winking.