Sam stars in most of my stories about sassy children.
(We're going to say "sassy" instead of "disrespectful and awful" because it sounds a lot more fun.)
He stars in these stories because, so far, he's the only one who DOES that kind of thing.
But I don't mean to imply that he's not great.
The dishwasher broke today. I was talking at dinner about how the kids were going to have to leave me alone for a while because I had to hand-wash the dishes.
And Sam said, "Why don't I help?"
So I washed, and he dried, and we did that for a half an hour.
We talked about so many things.
Mostly things I don't care about. Olympics, science, card games.
But sometimes you talk about boring shit with your kids, because that's what matters to them.
Nobody ever tells you that about having kids. They tell you about sleepless nights, and diapers, and potty training, but people rarely mention that kids care about stuff you really could not care less about. Also, it's the one thing you can't mention when you are spouting off about how much you do for them.
"I do all the laundry, I make lunches, I clean up after you, I cook you dinner, I drive you places, and I listen to you talk about some ridiculously irrelevant shit."
See? You were a hero right up until that last bit.
Even most other parents won't admit that kids care about some truly uninteresting things. While you are trying to have a conversation about their lives, and school, and hopes and plans, they are on the other side of the couch talking about "do you think green or blue is better? If so, why? Please compare and contrast the two. Also, please describe the two, and explain the difference" until eventually you just want to die.
I'll admit that my capacity for this seems to be pretty low. I've seen some people weave wonderfully intricate conversations with children.
These are very good people.
I, on the other hand, find it difficult to be forced to develop an opinion when I don't actually have one. And then being forced to defend it.
"WHY is green better? Does that mean grass is more important than sky? Actually, mom? Is grass better than the sky? Why?"
Anyway, my point is, Sam was a great help tonight, and I enjoy him very much when he is not being a punk.