HELP!

I think we'd all agree that I'm generally not a very loud person.

Unless you are Sam.

Assuming you are not a short person in my charge, you probably haven't heard me yell much.

But sometimes, when I'm in a store and can't find something, I have the strongest urge to just start screaming, "DOES ANYONE SEE DRIED APPLES?"

I'm not just hoping for a store employee. I want us all, as humans, to band together to help me find the dried apples.

I would take a deep breath and bellow, "EVERYBODY LOOK AROUND YOU. DO YOU SEE DRIED APPLES?"

And then somebody would shout, "HERE! THEY'RE HERE! FOLLOW MY VOICE! OVER NEXT TO THE CUCUMBERS!"

And then we would all go about our day as usual.

I think that would be great. I mean, here I am, searching vainly and at length for the dried apples in the nut and raisin section, in the snack aisle, and next to actual apples, when, surely, there is somebody over there, picking out a cucumber thinking, "That's weird. Why would they put dried fruit here? I would have expected dried apples to be in the nuts and raisins section."

I guess we would have to have some rules. Otherwise we'd have jag-offs screaming about, "WHERE'S THE MILK?" when, duh, take a minute to check the dairy aisle. And, generally speaking, you wouldn't be allowed to shout about produce, because the produce section is the low-lying grasslands of the grocery store. That's why our ancestors learned how to walk up-right. So someday we'd be able to see that lettuce is yonder that way. The only exception would be for weird produce, like a parsnip or something.

"WHERE ARE THE PARSNIPS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A PARSNIP LOOKS LIKE."

And some gardener lady would be like, "THEY ARE NEXT TO THE RADISHES AND LOOK LIKE YELLOW CARROTS."

And then the first person would be like, "THANK-YOU. I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WITH A NEW RECIPE."

And then the gardener lady would say, "OOOO, IS IT A CURRY?"

And then I would say, "DUDES. SHUSH IT. YOU ARE ABUSING THE FOOD-LOCATING SYSTEM."